That Place In-Between...

Today, I made a big change--a change that stands as a testament of my personal growth and emotional fortitude.  

Yes.  As of today--on Facebook--Jarrett Davis lives in Circleville, Ohio.  To most of you reading this, you will probably think I'm trying to be sarcastic or ironic making a statement like this; but I am quite serious.  This seemingly insignificant, digital change in my virtual life symbolizes a grand period (or at least a semi-colon) in the long and monotonous narrative between the turning of chapters in my life.  

Over the past few months,  I have transitioned from the busy life of a graduate student and communications officer in the Philippines to a substitute teacher hushing high school students in rural Ohio and working weekends as a waiter in Columbus.  Throughout this tumultuous transitional period of my Life,  I have learned a great deal about who I am as a person.   

I am one of those personality types that has the tendency to helplessly define himself on the basis of what he can-or-cannot do or accomplish.  Under this delusion, a person is only worth what they can produce and their value is directly proportional to the ground that they can cover towards a particular goal.   This mode of operation can have its advantages.  It can make you into the kind of person who gladly pulls an all-nighter to finish a project, or who works extra hours--without pay--just to ensure that something is done well and on time.  

However, it also has its downfalls:  

During my years of living, working, and studying in Asia I was constantly inundated with classes and projects and research--all of which aided to shape who I understood myself to be.   I was fulfilled because of all of the "hats" that I got to wear and the projects that I undertook.   There was great potential and much work to be done.  Step-UP, the anti-trafficking initiative of which I was a part, had the potential of taking great steps forward with our partners in India; there were numerous possibilities and projects outstanding in communications and marketing at APNTS.    However, in the midst of all of this, my student loans were coming due and personal finances growing scarce.   I had to return to the States in August of 2011.  It was difficult to leave the Philippines knowing that there was still work to be done and much of my identity rested in those efforts. 

Thus began, "the time in-between"-- my own personal purgatory of sorts -- to which I was banished to learn life's tedious lessons that I would have otherwise been oblivious to.

As soon as one chapter of my life ended and the next one failed to immediately begin, my impatience took over and drove me to frantically improvise new material.  Nearly before the suitcases were unpacked, I had begun studying for the GRE (Graduate Records Examination), writing statements of purpose and applying for PhD programs.   I began applying for careers, as well. I drafted and redrafted reams of cover letters, and polished and perfected my Resume  enough to make its readers weep.  

February came and I was still without a "real job".  I hadn't received any positive responses from any of the jobs that I had applied for--except for one research position in Nigeria.  I had made it through the final set of interviews, but in a toss-up between myself and the one remaining candidate for the position--I was the one just slightly less qualified.   "It's alright," I thought to myself.   I felt certain that something would work out with a PhD program.   I had a load of experience overseas, I was cum laude in my MA and BA programs, and didn't do to shabby on the GRE either.  Something was bound to work out. 

And then the letters came.  

One.  
Then another.  
Then the final one.   


Each letter carried the same disappointing message, stated in the same awkwardly optimistic tone.  My applications had not been accepted.  I had been back in the states for just slightly over 6 months and I felt that I had accomplished nothing.  


I dreaded that horrible and unrelenting question from others, "So, what are you doing now?"   Up until this point I had a story.  I had a vision in my mind--an exciting picture to paint.  I usually responded with something like: 

"Blah, blah, blah... applying for PhD programs... blah, blah... looking for graduate assistantships at OSU... blah, blah, blah"

And now... I didn't really have anything impressive or exciting to say at all.  In all honesty, I was spent.  Discouraged.  Frustrated.  I was left with nothing more than what was really there.   I really had nothing to say, except that: 

"I'm living with my parents, substitute teaching in Pickaway County and waiting tables on the weekends."  

That was perhaps the hardest pill to swallow.  


And so, after an entire gestation period of being in the states--nine long months--I have finally changed my Facebook status.   Jarrett Davis no longer lives in Taytay, Rizal.   Jarrett Davis is a waiter and a substitute teacher, living with his parents in rural Ohio.  


Don't get me wrong, I still cringed as I wrote those words.   I didn't enjoy typing them.  But I can type them, because I have accepted them to be true.   And I feel that--to some extent--I can never be ready to begin the next chapter until I can be present, here, in the place in between.   That annoying--but entirely necessary--place in-between. 


And with that, I begin the next chapter.