Ready or not, here I come...

Am I really ready for this?  That's the question that has been simmering on the back burner of my mind.  Sure I have packed, my things are ready, I've temporarily suspended my Cellphone, my car is being towed away on wednesday, my insurance has been cancelled, I've said my goodbyes (most of them) and so on, but am I REALLY ready?    On a deeper level I had hoped that I would have been wiser and further along in my spiritual journey.  I had hoped that I would have complete have gotten over myself, been devoid of all self interest, and powerfully ready to take on whatever comes my way.   Perhaps when I had originally imagined it, I had a  slight smirk,  a dusty, wide-brimmed hat, a partially unbuttoned and tattered shirt, a bullwhip and a self assurance that clearly preceded me.  Well, hat's off to you Indiana Jones, but I just don't think that I'm quite there just yet.   The truth is that I'm not ready.   I feel like there is so much that is left to be done.  So much change in my that is yet to take place before I would ever be ready to leave the world that I know to start an entirely type of life, in service to the Lord .  

I'm certainly going to need a lot of prayer, and the firm hand of God planted in the small of my back pushing me forward... and that's just it--sometimes I really feel like the only time that I actually make progress in my life is when God literally gives me a shove, putting his own reality right in my face, BOLD FACE TYPE, ITALICS, AND UNDERLINED.   

However, unsure I am of my readiness.  I can't help but remember that phrase spoken by Prince Caspian, in the latest Narnia movie to come out.   When given the throne, he responds, "but I am nowhere near ready to rule the kingdom" and Aslan wisely responds, "and that, my child, is exactly why you ARE ready to rule."   His faith was not in himself, and honestly, he was scared that he would not be able to carry though.   He would only be able to rule by forfeiting his rights to Aslan.  Readiness does not, and cannot come by my own right, or might.  It is entirely dependent on my willingness to get over me, my things, my rights, and my agendas, that I can truely be used as God wants me to be.  I need only to be as ready as a Jar of Clay. "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (1 Corinthians 2:7-9)

Sigh... am I ready?  No.  But maybe that is potentially, not such a bad thing.  But that is entirely dependent on my realization and acceptance of my own  personal weakness and inability to go it alone.  And entirely dependent upon my willingness to let go, of my reason (logic), my agendas, my rights, and any preconceived plan that I might have.  But I'm going to need lots of help.